New Year's Resolution Solutions...
Are you making promises about how you're going
to do better or be a better person in the coming year? If so, here
are some easy solutions for common new year Resolutions.
Lose Weight
So you'd like to improve your self-image, but you can't shed those stubborn pounds.
Then make it simple--consider an amputation. Think how much a leg or
arm weighs. A quick and easy amputation will produce weight loss in minutes.
But if you believe that appendage could be useful in the days ahead, then simply alter your resolution for weight gain instead of loss. Decide right here and now, that you'll put on 30 pounds in the month ahead.
Get Out of Debt
It's a tough economy. It's
hard to stretch a buck. But you can build
a solid financial future, if you consider
crime. There are many fields to choose from, including
prostitution, drug dealing, and theft. Bank robbery is among
the most popular. If you combine Ebay with theft, you'll
have a mountain of money in no time. Just be sure to set
some cash aside for upcoming legal fees.
Spend more time with family
If you develop a shared hobby or passion, you're sure to
succeed. But if that fails, just handcuff yourself to the
unsuspecting party while he or she is sleeping. Will your loved one
ever be surprised in the morning. In fact, your family and friends will
never forget the gesture, and will likely,
remember it, and avoid you, the whole year through, leaving you free
to spend your time doing what you really want
to do. If that fails, and you're still serious about
fulfilling this resolution, then consider matching
nipple piercings connected by a medium gauge chain for the
ultimate gift of togetherness.
Quit Drinking
Is drinking tearing your life apart? Of course it is.
If you said it isn't, then you're in denial and have a serious
problem that requires immediate intervention. But, the good news is,
you can easily nip the habit in the rear. And you don't need AAA.
Just follow the brilliant idea above for getting
out of debt, and you're sure to get some prison time. Think about it.
You won't be able to drink behind bars for months, or, possibly, many years.
If that's a little drastic, consider removing yourself from family and
friends and living in a remote cabin in the woods where there's no alcohol.
A New Hobby
So you want to keep busy with a new and interesting hobby. One way to succeed
is to find like-minded friends with similar interests. So if you
want to learn, say, how to wife swap or build a nuclear bomb, just ask some questions in the
appropriate internet forum. You're sure to find many interested parties
who will happily assist you. If that's not your bag, consider taking
up drinking. Then you can return here next year and follow the "Quit Drinking" solution above.
Get Organized
So you're always forgetting your keys, wallet, or important dates like birthdays and anniversaries, but you can easily break the habit with the help of hooks. Just screw them into a prominent place where you're sure to see them each day, such as the hallway or the backside of your front door--include some extra large ones. You can hang your wallet there, your keys, and even the spouse or kids. You'll never forget something important again.
Eat Healthy
So you want to eat healthy and forego the potato chips, do you? Well, then there's only one thing that you can do...remove yourself entirely from junk food. Buy an extra large dog crate, and enlist the help of a family member or friend. Get inside the cage, where you'll remain for the year, and give the trusted person the key. Have him or her feed you fruits and veggies each day--no junk food. Is this a little too much? Then book a trip to the moon where there is no junk food or consider getting your lips stitched together, leaving a very small opening that no chips or Twinkies can fit through.
Volunteer
If you'd like to share yourself with others and give back to society, but you're not sure how to go about it, then the solution is simple. Just commit a small petty crime, such as running through the park nude, and you're sure to be given a sentence that includes community service. This tactic may only work the first time, however, as repeat offenders could land some jail time. So if you tried this last year, don't do it this year unless you're also following the "Quit Drinking" solution above.
Forgetting the Past
Do you want to forget the past and move on? Do you keep reliving something
painful? Are you haunted by yesterday? If so, then the solution is easy and instantaneous. Just start worrying about the future. Let's see, taxes are coming up. What about those credit card bills from Christmas? How about global warming or the cost of fuel? The list is endless. Dwell on such things and you're sure to forget the past in no time.
If none of the above works...
If all of the above fails, just wait a couple of weeks. New years resolutions are usually forgotten by January 15th, when you can slip
back into your comfortable old habits and enjoy life again.
Disclaimer:
None of these resolution solutions are to be taken seriously or construed as legal advice. Please consult an attorney if you have legal questions. If you need mental help, and you probably do if you've read this far, consult a psychiatrist.
"New Year Resolution Solutions," written and designed by Bobette Bryan, (C) 2009
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